Post surgery frustrations

I'm not sure I have ever really been as frustrated as I was when Monday, I was laying there.. had 3 catheters with wires to my heart.. wide awake watching them for 2 hours trying to get my heart to do the right thing in order to burn it.. feeling every bit of it in pressure (they did give me pain medicine but the googly effect wore off quickly).. listening to the electriophisiologist's language about voltage and not getting it and they tell me we can't do it. You went through all this.... and you're not getting fixed. We were all so positive that this would be a piece of cake this go around. Nope, not when it's in the matter of Hollie.. I'm in the 10 percent group that the heart just does not cooperate. I'm back on the medicine and a heart monitor and back to square one. I felt so frustrated.. here.. I have a week off work (well needed with the recovery of this) my parents are here (Thank you!!!) and I'm no better than when I was before. Although, they did say they got a very good map of my heart... for... ummm next time I guess.

A little difference

This past couple weeks have been very stressful at work. For us and for our members. But I think it's amazing what a simple gesture as handing each member a box of these conversation hearts does to them. It doesn't matter what they were just whining and moaning and accusing us of just two minutes ago. I hand them that box and their face lights up and they say Thank you that was so sweet! People just don't care anymore and it's obvious to me when that little box can turn their whole demeanor around. I love seeing someone's cold face warm up with a glimpse of emotion. Their features just smooth out and their tone is sincere.

I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day and I hope that someone can give you a little unexpected heart as well.

Ky under ice

Brrrr it was cold.

A long day

My dress work shoes... I have a few. My "comfy" ones shown here mindlessly set on the foot of my bed after a long day of hustlin' the dough to the menagerie of characters that is H-town. These shoes represent alot. By way of dress code I do not have to wear heels exactly, yet by way of nature I must..... if I don't want to trip over my pants because frankly, I'm short! Goals, purpose, passion, strength and confidence are all words that come to mind when I hear the clip clopping of heels on cement. A nonverbal reassurance that yes, I can do anything. Yes, I can succeed and yes, I love my shoes!

In the night sky...

Driving by myself on the road I lovingly call "the dead road" because the whole length is filled with cell phone dead spots and I always lose people on it. It was dark and late and I was on my way to get the kids at daycare. Alone with my thoughts... thoughts that made me smile and worry at the same time. Listening to whatever was on the radio. At the exact moment I had a particular thought, in total view of me and the cows along the side of the road, I saw my first ever shooting star. It was big, it flew for a good distance then poof with an ember fire of dissintegartion it was gone. I knew I was supposed to do something at that time. Oh yah. WISH! Hollie make a wish! I scrambled in my brain for something I wanted.. ironically it was the same thought I was having when I saw it. So, I just kept going on that silent train of thought all the way to the daycare but this time with a smile and a solid amount of ease and wonder.


I've seen scheduled meteor showers before.. on the mountainside of California... but for those, I was prepared. This totally caught me off guard and it seemed at the perfect time. It was beautiful.


Of course, I don't know what it means... if anything. But I'll like to believe it means everything will be alright... not to worry so much. Life will work itself out through the pains and frustrations and the happy heartfilled moments that put that smile on our face when we're alone are the things that make our wishes come true.

Twirling lady

Where were your hopes and dreams? As a child... where did you keep them? Did you allow the prima ballerina to dance among them at night on top of your dresser in that box? Did you keep them safe with the trucks and dinosaurs at the foot of your bed? Wherever you kept them... are they still preserved?

Recently, within this year. I have had a whirlwind of events. I have had smiles and definate tears. I have had the happiness of my children's touch and the fear of my life being gone... at the blink of an eye.. I've had the test of friendships and the reality of love and war. My heart had been so full of positive and solid contentment and promise.... and crushed. At this point... I have searched so much to find the road in wich I should travel. I've reasoned... I've pleaded... I've nearly sold my soul to find the comfort. Me, the girl who can reason anything out for the positive. Why can I not understand?

Then, I thought about what is important. What is really and truly important. Is it the routines and habits you get accustomed to? Is it what you can afford this year over last? Where are those old hopes and dreams. It's not the complicated desires that should be focused on. Open that box and let the music play... let the little lady twirl with reckless abandon. Remember those simple hopes of innocent smiles and what is in front of you doesn't seem so challenging.

When life falls out of your hands....

and you don't know what to do.